Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Square

I'm happy to report that our friend Stephen Edwards (aka Hatfield/thehatfield) has graciously allowed me to publish some of his short stories here on the UWOW blog. This is the opening story for a series called The Square, and it is a very stark and bizarre world. For you football supporters out there, Tor Ander Flo sure sounds a lot like Tore Andre Flo doesn't it? I love this and will continue to publish more as Hat directs. Hope you like it too.

by Stephen Edwards

"Judge Yakov Shur, please report to The Elevator."

"Judge Yakov. Thank you."

Everyone gathers around The Elevator. The doors open automatically and everyone claps wildly. The officer places his arms out across the opening as if he were going to hold the doors open. The officer is smiling. The officer is missing one button from his navy blue uniform but the badge is there. A soft, soothing female voice is again clearly heard by all through loudspeakers:

"Tor Ander Flo, please report to Simple Assignment."

"Tor Ander. Thank you."

Everyone gasps. Everyone gets into a line so they can shake Tor Ander Flo's hand on his way out. Someone pats Tor Ander Flo on the shoulder. Tor Ander Flo is a dark-haired of Norwegian ancestry. Many people shake Tor Ander Flo's hand. The officer looks back over his shoulder to watch the process. The officer steps away from The Elevator, taking two precise steps forward. The Elevator doors close and those still watching clap.

"Trem Carr, please report to The Square."

"Trem. Thank you."

Everyone shouts. Some stop shouting. Most of everyone pick up large, dirty grey banners. The rest of everyone watch Tor Ander Flo exit. Everyone with grey banners start to shout more loudly than before. Most of the grey banners have the image of Trem Carr's face on it. Everyone with grey banners thinks that The Square is like a Simple Assignment for Trem Carr. Trem Carr lights a cigarette. Everyone (especially those with grey banners) quiets down and waits in silence, and then claps when they see smoke. Trem Carr is a crowd favorite. Trem Carr looks like a tough man with thick, squarish features. Trem Carr descends into The Square and everyone again shouts and ferociously waves their grey banners or their clenched fists.

"Lucien D'Bouchard, please report to The Square."

"Lucien. Thank you."

The heads of everyone drop. Everyone with grey banners thinks terrible things. Lucien D'Bouchard thinks his assignment is unfair but he says nothing. The officer smiles and readies his equipment. Lucien D'Bouchard looks old and tired. Lucien D'Bouchard's long grey hair brushes against some members of the crowd like in days past. Lucien D'Bouchard descends into The Square and everyone with grey banners screams and hurls insults. Despite his longevity, Lucien D'Bouchard is not a crowd favorite.

The Elevator doors open and everyone claps. The officer claps ferociously. Judge Yakov Shur steps out of The Elevator. Trem Carr and Lucien D'Bouchard continue to descend into The Square. Judge Yakov Shur presses the Button of Conquest. The red light flashes.

"Presentation of the prisoners."

The officer leads two sets of prisoners into The Square. The officer looks very proud of himself. Everyone with grey banners goes mad with delight.

"Trem Carr has prisoners totaling 494."

"60 of Trem Car's prisoners are women."

Everyone with grey banners continue in their madness.

"Lucien D'Bouchard has prisoners totaling 712."

"109 of Lucien D'Bouchard's prisoners are women."

Everyone calms down and gives Lucien D'Bouchard respectful applause. Judge Yakov Shur scans the barcode for Trem Carr and asks him to extinguish his cigarette. Trem Carr extinguishes his cigarette immediately. Judge Yakov Shur scans the barcode for Lucien D'Bouchard and clasps his forearm. Judge Yakov Shur nods and releases Lucien D'Bouchard's forearm. Judge Yakov Shur nods again, this time at both men. Trem Carr and Lucien D'Bouchard nod. Judge Yakov Shur presses the Button of Conquest. The red light flashes.


Total silence from everyone as they move to their seats. Trem Carr makes the first move. It is not a good move. Judge Yakov Shur makes a note of Trem Carr's poor move. Lucien D'Bouchard executes a Passas-a-Move but stumbles at the end and does not strike Trem Carr. Judge Yakov Shur makes a note of Lucien D'Bouchard's stumble. The red light flashes. Judge Yakov Shur awards Lucien D'Bouchard one of Trem Carr's prisoners. The prisoner is not a woman. Everyone begins to speak about the match. Lucien D'Bouchard is required to remain in his post-stumble position. Judge Yakov Shur presses the Button of Conquest. The red light flashes."

"Second Round."

Everyone again falls silent. Trem Carr requests a Concentration. Judge Yakov Shur awards Trem Carr a Concentration. Trem Carr executes a Savka-a-Move and strikes the prone post-stumble Lucien D'Bouchard cleanly. Lucien D'Bouchard acknowledges the hit with a scream. Judge Yakov Shur makes a note of Trem Carr's excellent move. Lucien D'Bouchard stands shakily but then executes a YAKOV-A-MOVE! Judge Yakov Shur is doubly pleased. Trem Carr is hit and acknowledges the hit with a scream. Judge Yakov Shur makes a note of the hit. The red light flashes.

A video screen drops down into the Square. The image of Judge Yakov Shur executing the first Yakov-a-Move is displayed. Images of Judge Passas Oliveriers and Judge Savka Ivanovich are displayed. Everyone starts to thunder.

"Lucien D'Bouchard is declared winner."

"Lucien D' Bouchard is awarded 217 of Trem Carr's prisoners."

"11 of the awarded prisoners are women."

"276 of Trem Carr's prisoners remain."

"49 of the remaining prisoners are women."

Trem Carr promptly releases his remaining prisoners.

"Lucien D'Bouchard is awarded Judge status."

"Judge Lucien D'Bouchard shall be immortalized with the Lucien-a-Move."

Everyone is thundering by now and out of their seats. Those with grey banners have lost them. Trem Carr bows to Judge Lucien D'Bouchard. Everyone lets out a great roar. Tears begin to run down Trem Carr's face. Judge Lucien D'Bouchard has no tears as he grabs Trem Carr's shoulders. Trem Carr closes his eyes and he and Judge Lucien D'Bouchard share a moment.

Judge Yakov Shur interrupts, awarding Judge Lucien D'Bouchard the Judge's Vestments. Trem Carr is led away from The Square by the officer and is brought to the Stone of Directions. Everyone gathers around Trem Carr and ridicules him. Trem Carr circles the Stone of Directons and faithfully continues the Tradition of Weeping. Trem Carr faithfully chooses South, and the officer begins to beat him with an ordinary wooden staff.

Judge Lucien D'Bouchard observes the process dry-faced. Judge Lucien D'Bouchard and Judge Yakov Shur enter The Elevator. There is no clapping.


  1. erm... I don't get it...
    I feel like I'm missing something :P

  2. Maybe because I've seen some of the other parts I'm a little more excited than you! :) It isn't always in this sort of simple sentence style and opens up a great story. I'll try to see if Hat wants to get part two up sooner rather than later. I will say there's nothing really to get though. It's a story and what's happening is what's happening. I happen to think it's a very cool world he's created.